Hollywood’s newest cinema release, “Eagle Eye,” continues their infatuation with blood-spilling high-action big-budget cyber-terror movies. Major film critics, on the other hand, continue to pan any flick with an absurd Rube Goldberg cyberspace plot.

[Editor's note: this column contains spoilers for the movie "Eagle Eye."]

But here’s the kicker. The U.S. Air Force desperately wants a role in every absurdist cyberspace big-budget movie made today. They now brag on their website about contributing to “Eagle Eye” and its Colossus / WOPR / Skynet plotline.

Let’s make sure we get this straight, folks. From roughly a third of the way in until the post-climactic wrap, the actors consistently describe it as the most horrifying act of “cyber-terrorism” ever inflicted on the United States. And who master­minded all this cyber-terror against the U.S.? No evil empires, no chest-thumping bad guys, no CIA double agents, no alien cyborgs… Believe it or not, the U.S. Depart­ment of Defense itself orchestrated every single bit of the movie’s cyber-terrorism, aided by a hoard of “comm weenies” with AFSCs like 3C0x2 and 3C0x1 and 3C1x1 and 3C2x1.

Now you know why the U.S. Air Force must lead the way in cyberspace. America needs them to build digital armories filled with deadly cyber weapons so insane villains can remotely hack into them during Phase IV of their diabolical plan to overthrow the United States government.

It pains me to say this, but … USAF has finally topped its “Iron Eagle” debacle of 1986. Let’s check out just a few of the Air Force’s bragging rights in “Eagle Eye,” shall we?

• A missile fired from an MQ-9 UAV wipes out an innocent funeral procession in an Afghan village;
• A malfunctioning, autonomous, self-aware, ultra-secret super­computer buried under the Pentagon no doubt falls under the auspices of Air Force Cyberspace Command;
• Two hapless individuals at a civilian airport step aboard a C-17 ramp with an unguarded (!) “A1 priority” container destined for the Pentagon;
• A hacked F-16 ejects its pilot over the Washington, DC region; and
• A hacked MQ-9 UAV fires missiles inside a freeway tunnel (aka a critical U.S. infrastructure) in the Washington, DC region.

It’s a movie cliché: “USAF will lose remote-control of deadly cyber­space weapon sys­tems that will go on to kill inno­cent people in the U.S. and/or a third-world country…”

You’ll notice I said “just a few of” USAF’s bragging rights. Don’t even get me started on a self-evolving weapon system that magically overcomes its intrinsic physical limitations to make the leap from omniscient to omnipotent. And don’t get me started on the posse comitatus issues for a Pentagon network that performs domestic spy ops. And don’t get me started on all the airports, trains, traffic lights, street cams, Porsche cruise controls, cell phones, X-ray machines, OnStarand any other non-USAF hacks.

Roger Ebert opened his movie review by saying “the word preposterous is too moderate to describe ‘Eagle Eye.’ This film contains not a single plausible moment after the opening sequence.” He goes on to stab the Rube Goldberg plotline: “Why not get a couple of no-neck guys from the West Side to kidnap Jerry, haul him on board a private jet and transport him to Them?”

I agree completely with Ebert. The apartment scene alone qualifies as an epic logistical nightmare. If a rogue military super­computer can acquire an entire truckload of bomb-making materials, poisons, sniper rifles, classified documents, plus fake passports without arousing any federal bureaucratic suspicion whatsoever, then lure delivery men to haul everything to an upstairs apartment without question, precisely during a small window of opportunity while the apartment dweller attends a family funeral—

—then certainly a rogue military super­computer can lure an FBI team to escort our protagonist to the Pentagon, believing he’ll slip into his twin brother’s shoes to wrap up a CIA mission.

I mean, come on! We’re talking about a military super­computer with enough artificial intelligence to fully understand and correctly exploit both human fear and maternal instinct. Tapping a federal marshal’s psychological factors should be a no-brainer, folks.

To paraphrase comedian Greg Giraldo: “Eagle Eye’s plotline has more holes in it than Mel Gibson’s apology.”

And USAF feels proud to have worked on it! Check out this movie studio press release:

Rosario Dawson actually traveled to the Air Force’s OSI headquarters in Washington, D.C. to learn what her real-life counterparts’ lives were like. “We arranged for her to meet with them to learn about what they do,” explains Air Force technical advisor [SMSgt] Vince Aragona. Dawson also spoke with a female agent similar to her own character at L.A. Air Force Base. “That person actually ended up as an extra in the movie,” appearing as Dawson’s sidekick in some scenes.

Other active duty military also appear in the film as extras. “When you get active duty people in here wearing uniform,” Aragona says, “they already know how to walk, how to carry themselves, how to wear the uniforms properly. They’re active duty, they know what they’re doing. Plus, they love doing it…”

I should note the fact Aragona’s name appears in the end credits.

Oh, by the way! Aragona is USAF’s casting director for the upcoming “Trans­formers” sequel. Contact him if you serve in the Air force and want to lose your life in an aerial battle you couldn’t possibly win. But there’s a catch — cyberspace weenies need not apply. The producers want dashing young Pararescue Jumpers and Forward Air Controllers and any other in-lieu-of AFSC that includes a beret.

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The most absurd quote comes to us from a positively glowing USAF press release:

“This was a great opportunity for the Air Force to be involved in such an action-packed thriller that reflects our core values through a prominent character in the story,” said Lt. Col. Francisco Hamm, the Air Force Entertainment Liaison Office director…

“Core values,” he says? Core values?!? CORE VALUES?!?

In the film, AFOSI special agent Zoe Perez plays one of many unwitting pawns in a military super­computer’s plot to overthrow the U.S. government. Heck, she doesn’t even deliver a monologue. What core value does “secondary movie character” fall under? And what core value does “stabbing a super­computer to death” fall under?

Believe it, folks — our intrepid female Air Force agent stabbed a super­computer to death. You see, unlike a normal COTS super­computer that stands idle in a corner, this MILSPEC monstrosity can freely move its silicon brain around the room on a metallic spine that hovers over a moat, and, uh… well…

Waitaminit. A moat? Man, you gotta love Hollywood.

Hmph. If someone asked me to visualize “a silicon brain on a metallic spine,” I’d think of a Star Trek android like Data or Ilia or Nomad. You know: something that can use its spine to leave a moat-filled bunker. But hey, let’s not digress…

So anyway. If we wait for the DVD, we’ll probably find a deleted scene where Perez’s core values of “integrity, service, and excellence” reflect in the way she retrieves that hacked UAV from the tunnel chase. I can already hear the monologue she delivers over Tom Morgan’s lifeless body:

“You know, when I first met Agent Morgan, we ended up facing off over an Airman’s supposedly accidental death. Both of us engaged in needless posturing while American lives stood at grave risk. I wanted to speak to the dead man’s twin brother; he wouldn’t let me. Later he needed my help to stop a terror attack, but I just verbally flipped him the bird and hopped a flight. I see now that each of us is an important asset in the fight against terror here or abroad. But it took Morgan’s death to open my eyes. It was he, not I, who made the first move. It was he who believed in me first. I learned, almost too late, that this counter-terrorism agent was a feeling creature and, because of it, the greatest in America. I learned, too late for him, that agents have to make their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can’t be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And, when agents seek such perfection, they find there’s only death, fire, loss, disillusionment, cyber-terrorism, the end of everything that’s gone forward. Counter-terror agents have always sought an end to toil and misery. It can’t be given; it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside, from an agent himself…

Now that’s a monologue, folks. Somebody look on the cutting room floor for Perez’s core values, will you?

“But Rob, Perez’s work led her to the Pentagon where she linked up with the Secretary of Defense.” You’d call a chance meeting important? Bah. Everybody can brag about sitting across from some renowned VIP at some chance meeting. My work led me to the White House for a computer security round­table with Richard Clarke. Big whoop.

And besides, I monologue about my own core values way more than this fictitious “Zoe Perez” movie character ever did. So there.

Listen to me, folks. I said it before and I’ll say it again. Hollywood thinks the Air Force’s core value is to set up digital armories filled with deadly cyber weapons so insane villains can remotely hack into them during Phase IV of their diabolical plan to overthrow the United States. If USAF envisions that as one of its core values, then Hamm deserves a glowing performance report.

It’s practically a movie cliché these days for any high-tech government plotline — “USAF will lose remote-control of deadly cyber­space weapon sys­tems that go on to kill inno­cent people in the U.S. and/or a third-world country.” Sad but true. And the U.S. Air Force willingly helps Hollywood to perpetuate this cliché.

“[This movie] re­flects our core values through a promi­nent charac­ter in the story,’ said Lt. Col. Fran­cisco Hamm, the Air Force Enter­tain­ment Liaison Office director…”

Frankly, I view this movie cliché as a side effect of USAF’s fetish to codify a DoD-centric cyberspace mission. Their public affairs branch followed orders to hawk cyberspace as a combat zone … but it looks like no one rescinded the order. USAF’s newly knighted commanding general, Norton Schwartz, should walk down the hall to his public affairs office and say “stop making us look like Colonel Klink; start making us look like Colonel Hogan.”

“Hamm.” What a name for a guy who schmoozes with Hollywood’s glitterati. I’ll bet a soda this staff officer enjoys an open TDY order. Check out his military bio (archived), his civilian bio (archived), plus his LinkedIn profile (archived). Unlike some active duty airmen who bag groceries or deliver pizzas to make ends meet, this airman played an extra in the movie “White Squall” and snapped photos for the indie film “Run Cody.”

(I’ll see a lot of email over this but someone needs to say it. “Doesn’t Hamm’s LinkedIn bio remind you of General ‘Doc Hollywood’?” I’ll bet a soda Hamm’s overseas tour overlapped Doc’s reign of TV terror. “He will probably be remembered most by service­members stationed in Europe for his many commercials on American Forces Network Television…”)

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It pains me to say this, but USAF has finally topped its “Iron Eagle” debacle of 1986.

I admit you’ll find some notable exceptions to this movie cliché. For example:

• In “Transformers,” USAF loses a battle on one of its own airfields and gets hacked into by a robot that slipped undetected onto Air Force One. U.S. Air Force officials pitched in to make the combat losses look authentic.
• In “Iron Man,” USAF loses an F-22 fighter jet; lets VIPs walk around a military hanger unescorted; lets officers carry personal cell phones into a classified air operations facility; and lets field-grade officers override flag-grade rules of engagement. U.S. Air Force officials pitched in to make the security lapses look authentic.
• In “Stealth,” yet another malfunctioning autonomous self-aware computer—

—oops, waitaminit. “Stealth” centered on the U.S. Navy. My bad. Still, it’s obvious USAF wants to help Hollywood make movies that make USAF look like a bunch of cyber-imbeciles. Hmph.

So. The U.S. Air Force wants to be the third leg in a triad known as the “military-industrial-entertainment complex,” eh? Fair enough. But their misplaced pride in their contributions to “Eagle Eye” makes me wonder if USAF played any role in the production of this action movie…

THE COUNCIL ON Foreign Relations held a roundtable with Major General William T. Lord, the top digital pilot at Air Force Cyberspace Command. The press gave him some ink over the following quote:

“Perhaps we need a different kind of warrior in this domain. Today, all of our armed forces have a physical fitness test… Perhaps that’s not the right construct for these kinds of kids in the future… How do you attract the brains of some of this crowd that you might not want to wire up to a polygraph, but yet use their wonderful innovative ability. But they’re not the same kind of folks that perhaps you want to march to breakfast in the morning.”

It sounds like the general subscribes to a Hollywood version of hackers who’d be declared “4F” if not for their amazing criminal minds. This, my friends, is just one more thing I find wrong with today’s “cyberspace” leadership.

Lord wants you to think the Air Force only just started to look at hackers. Bah! When I enlisted as a “3C0X2″ (computer programmer) in 1982, I was surrounded by socially inept hackers with acceptable physical standards who started off the day with a can of soda back when coffee was the only acceptable morning beverage. Computer programmers were a unique species even back then, having been specifically trained at Tech School to ask “why?” whenever someone told them to do something a certain way.

And guys like me, who got to write software for NATO Intelligence? I assure you we were the weird ones in our crowd. We’d wear dickies with our fatigue uniforms just because NATO allowed it. If eight of us wanted lunch, we’d march all the way to the chow hall in formation just to screw with traffic. Naturally, our formations always crossed against the red lights.

And yes: we crashed that multimillion-dollar production NATO mainframe (twice!) to demonstrate a flaw deep within in its NSA-approved MLS OS.

As my career matured into the 1990s, I watched the same kids as me coming through the pipeline. They drank sodas in the morning just like I did and they couldn’t date a girl to save their life. They took great pride in messing around with the Air Force bureaucracy.

At the end of my career in 2003-07, I watched the new batch come through the pipeline and they’re exactly like the guys I hung out with. Sure: they can buy more toys than I grew up with, and they can type on a mobile phone almost as fast as I type on a keyboard, and they’ve racked up some “tent time” in the barren lands of Iraq & Afghanistan (just like I did). But deep down, they’re the same as always — a bunch of nerdy little dweebs who can look at the back of a malfunctioning Cisco router and instantly realize it has exceeded its bandwidth limit for serial plane zero … yet who turn into Forrest Gump whenever they bump into a cute female airman wearing pink lipstick.

Ignore General Lord and listen to me, folks. I have absolutely no doubt the Air Force will find the kids they need to wear a uniform. They’ve been putting kids like me into uniforms for decades! As for the hackers who can’t survive two months of basic training? Bah. Let them pick up a military contractor job with Microsoft or Symantec — if their rap sheets don’t stop them from getting a security clearance in the first place.

USAF RIGHT NOW is cluttered — dare I say “choked”? — with bureaucrats. Choked with people like General Lord who subscribe to the Hollywood view of what their troops should be. Choked with people like Captain Goza who don’t even know what “cyber” means. And then there are the worst of the bunch: people who drool at “cyber” as a means to pad their officer evaluations and civilian performance reports. They don’t have a clue how to bring it all together but hey, the Chief of Staff told them to stand up a cyber mission and they’re going to be the ones who get a Meritorious Service Medal for doing it!

I’ve bumped into heaven-knows-how-many idiots who claim they were the first ones to kick-start the Air Force cyberspace mission in some obscenely obscure fashion. “Well, not to brag, but I’m the guy that wrote that classified ‘just thinking outside the box’ email to JJ (that’s retired chief of staff John Jumper, back then just the commander of 9th Air Force) asking him why his folks were doing X instead of Y, and I’m happy to say that JJ wrote me back to say that was a great idea and he’d put one of his best light-birds right on it…”

The Air Force suffers from too many shallow thinkers in cyberspace. You can identify them by the way they answer a single question. “What does USAF mean by ’sovereign options’ in cyberspace?” The shallow ones will start off with a bunch of hemming & hawing, followed by gobbledygook. “Well, you see, um, the Air Force cyberspace operations give us the ‘pointy end of the spear,’ helping us to synergistically complement and coalesce all kinetic and non-kinetic weapon systems at our disposal…” Try not to smirk when you identify them. It ruins the mood of the moment.

But when you do identify these people, I implore you to drive a knife into their egos. “That’s very interesting! You know, security critic Rob Rosenberger argues that USAF will all but lose its first cyberwar due to a fundamental flaw in its ’sovereign options’ doctrine. What’s your opinion of that flaw?” Again, try not to smirk. It ruins the mood of the moment.

Mark my words. We’re going to pay life insurance for some people in uniform in a real cyberwar. We’re going to lose lives tomorrow thanks to today’s shallow self-serving bureaucrats — and if you recall my prediction from 2002, I said we’ll lose lives twice thanks to those very same self-serving bureaucrats. I want those bureaucrats to get out of the way so the real cyber warriors can reshape the Air Force.

“Okay Rob, who are the real cyber warriors and who are the fakes?” Excellent question. I’ll paraphrase George Carlin. If you’re in cyberspace and you feel like you’re part of the solution, then you may very well be part of the solution. But if you run around in public telling people “I’m in cyberspace and I’m part of the solution,” then you’re part of the problem. Get out of the way.

Captain Rob Goza is the public relations officer for USAF’s “Mighty Eighth” division, which in turn serves as a manpower pool for USAF’s new Cyberspace Command. Goza’s recent “Air Force must put Hollywood out of a job” opinion piece is truly hilarious. Check it out at [this link] for a laugh. You’ll scratch your head in total disbelief at:

• The unfocused ramblings;
• The desire to replace one fictional movie character with thousands of real military personnel;
• The declaration that “a worst-case cyber-attack scenario” is when the Air Force gets duped into doing the bad guys’ bidding, e.g. killing a U.S. citizen who is standing on a critical infrastructure right here on U.S. soil;
• The illustrative segue that brings “Mighty Eighth” alumni Jimmy Stewart into the picture (literally);
• The INcorrect quotation of USAF’s mission statement;
• The failure to close a[n incorrect] quote;
• The Frank Miller-esque photo with pulled quote…

This is what you get when a public relations dweeb thinks he’s a cyberspace pundit. Does anyone remember the old days when antivirus firms raised up their own PR folks as virus experts? Goza’s op-ed is so hilarious that I posted it in verbatim at HumorControl.org. (Memo to Capt Goza: it’s called “False Authority Syndrome.” Read [this link] to realize what you’re not.)